A Facebook acquaintance recently confided that her husband of >20 years had been depressed, got on medication, and now insists his marriage and family were a mistake. She feared the medication may be the cause of his drastic behavior and was pleading for advice to save her marriage. I know so many relationships that have broken up this year – the Covid pandemic and the election have put tremendous stress on every one of us, and many previously ignorable concerns are bubbling to the surface as a result. My marriage has not been immune, which prompted me to write the following response.

Like your husband, I have been increasingly anxious and depressed. And, like your husband, my spouse traveled a lot for work (he is based at home) and was given 5-star treatment when he was traveling. It wasn't easy for him to come home to a tired wife, three kids, and our every-day disheveled life; and his sudden injections weren't easy for the rest of us. After 20 years of marriage and subtle (and not so subtle) cynicism and belittling from my husband and increasingly our teenage children, I finally had to face my unhappiness because my blood pressure had reached 200/120 and I was in danger of having a stroke! My mom thought I was bipolar; my husband seemed eager to accept this diagnosis; and I wondered whether I’d have been committed to a sanitarium if this were 50 years ago. (I am 50 and also going through menopause, which is another easy diagnosis for our challenges of late.) 

My family has no known history of bipolarism or related diagnoses, and my physician assured me that I wasn't reckless enough to be bipolar, though she'd write me a prescription to take the edge off if/when I felt I needed it. I was ready to move out to save my life, regardless of my marriage, and because, whether or not my husband would admit it, neither one of us was happy. Last month, we had another toothpick-breaking-the-camel’s-back argument, during which I overreacted (as is my tendency); afterwards I apologized for my actions but I did not retreat from the feelings underlying them. We have since had painstaking and ongoing communication with friends as well as each other, which alone is a big demonstration that we still care about each other. It’s been a month, and we are still deliberately practicing communication and empathy toward one another, keeping in mind the changes we have experienced together and separately over the last two decades. I did get on a low dose of Sertraline (Zoloft), which I have taken before; but I assured my husband (and my mother) that we were going to confront our marital problems and not just medicate me.

Given my perspective, I just want to caution you against taking the side that something is wrong with your husband and that getting him on the proper medication will solve your marital problems. Regardless of how self-centered and overreactive he appears, his concerns must be validated. The trick is getting him to communicate them in a way that is productive and loving toward *both* of you, even if the outcome is separation.

Communication is key. If he won’t communicate verbally with you, then write him a letter (that was my first real step forward) and explain that 1) despite your hurting, you want happiness for both of you and 2) communicating through an objective, agreed-upon relationship counselor will benefit you both, even if it’s by enabling an amicable divorce, and is far less expensive than two lawyers at this stage. 

In order to be open and honest with you – which is what's most important right now - your husband needs to know that you care about and *will listen to* his feelings, regardless of how much they may hurt you. Otherwise, he will just feel that you are trying to entrap him and he won’t open up at all.

Your goal is your own happiness; and you will not be happy in this marriage if he is not happy in this marriage. Be strong. You *can* handle this.