I’m an alcoholic.

I’m quitting any day.

As soon as work stress, debt and lack of meaning go away.

My friend’s a pothead. Finds herself on Dig Dug, hours and hours.

Her mom’s a nymphomaniac with no patience for cowards.

My wife’s dosage of Zoloft neared 200, last I heard.

She also takes two pain pills, for an injury she incurred.

My co-worker’s on Ambien. He sleeps the whole day through.

His old boss did cocaine and no one cared ‘cause no one knew.

My kid is hooked on screens - just try to take away his phone!

And never turn the console off when he is in the zone.

My brother thinks the world is just one giant golfing course.

My mother horseback rides so much, she’s gonna buy a horse!

My Uncle Bob has found the church. He’s now one with the Lord.

Aunt Janet’s hooked on yoga - has a belly like a board.

Half the country is obese, taking meds for indigestion;

They keep eating bad shit anyway, which I think begs the question -

Isn’t everyone addicted? My empty wine glass clinks.

If addiction’s everywhere, I think I’ll have a few more drinks.

• I wrote this poem after a conversation with a new friend who introduced himself as an alcoholic and then offered me a beer.